Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Today I wanted to... Wordless Wednesday and Amer!can Idol predictions, but couldn't decided which I wanted to do more, so I'm doing both. Thank you to BooMama for letting me join in!

Wordful Wednesday, with the pic I would've used if it was Wordless

Amer!can Idol

I told myself over and over that I wasn't going to do this on here, but AI top 10 or 12 started around the time I started this blog and I can't resist.

Ramiele...sang really well, but she's so young. Her whole critique from the judges and interview with Ryan is spent sticking her little baby lower lip out. HATE that! And did she really say her "voice went bye-bye" or was that my 19month old toddler??!? She has an awesome voice on the ballad-y songs, but her weird shoulder shaking performance last week with the upbeat song was horrendous! Her innocent thing, though, is getting annoying. I think America might finally be fed up, too.

Syesha...always sings good. She has a HUGE voice. KingKong HATES the 'fro. I think it has to do with her personality, but her straightened hair was fun, too. Can I please ask what the hell she and Ramiele are saying? "Oh low" or something. Have you heard it? It was in the interview clip two weeks ago, and then Syesha said it when they announced her parents before she sang last week AND when she hugged Ramiele at the results show last week, and then she started to say it again when Simon criticized her last night. Am I the only one hearing this??

Carly...Something was wrong, you could see it in her eyes. She really didn't connect with the song/audience. And the interview. WTF?? Ryan asked her if anything was wrong and her reply was, "Well, I just ran into the bathroom before and came out..." *crickets chirping* KingKong thinks that last note at the end where she squatted down was her trying to help the bathroom situation progress. Anyhow, I think she did okay with the song and has done well all along, so will probably still be here next week, but her mama needs to give her a call and remind her to "pee before you go!"

Castro...I don't get it. I mean, I thought I did in earlier weeks. He sortof has this John Travolta baby face thing happening (me-ow), but WHAT.A.DUB! And that hair. I know it does it for some of you ladies, but that happens because he doesn't wash it right? ew. It's the same 'ole thing EVERY week. He plays the guitar and sings a lameass sing-songy tune. I could picture him with Kermit the Frog doing that Rainbow song, or It's Not Easy Being Green. He needs to step it up and get a new act!

Chicezie...You know, I never liked him. at.all. But then he broke out in that big song two weeks ago and in the words of Simon, "I Lllllloved it." I thought last week was kewl, too, but he went from rocking out with a banjo to working the harmonica. But last night wasn't that good. And I REALLY wanted him to do well after the other two weeks, but it didn't work. He's too Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air to pull of the showtune-y songs.

Archuleta...I think it was finally an upbeat song that he did kind of okay with, you know, because he remembered the lyrics. I don't think anyone in THIS country has ever heard it before, but it definitely was not a chart topper. It had a sort of Christian Rock vibe to it, if you like that kind of thing. I think he needs to stop letting his mom & dad choose the songs for him. And wear lip balm, cause that lip-licking thing is getting disturbing. I don't know if he really impressed America picking that song this week.

Brooke...I really like her. Paula was right when she said you just hear one of her notes and you can tell it's Brooke singing. Unlike most songs nowadays where you have to get to the chorus to figure out if it's Rh!anna or the Pussyca+ dolls. You know it's Brooke singing. But I'm afraid that all her concerts would just be looking at her side the whole time cause she's in front of a piano, or a guitar. Did you know she already has an amateur video out?

Michael...He rocked the house 'dawg! I love the "er" in his big voice. If you don't know what I'm saying, think Cheetoh's Brand Cheetah going "aye, aye, aye" in those commercials, or make a long sound and karate chop your throat over and over, that'll get you the "er" I'm talking about. He'll be around next week, as long as he keeps that hairy belly tucked into his shirt...a girl's gotta keep something to her imagination, you know. ;o)

Kristy...Awesome song choice. It really fit her voice, I just wish she'd go bigger with the notes...she could do it! It was country without going overboard and I really wanted her to do well this week, much to KingKong's dismay. Let's just say, she's not his cup 'o tea. I think choosing that song will keep her around, so hopefully we can see bigger things from her next week.

Cook...Rocked it! Thank gawd he did not try to do Michael's choice of songs, that just would've been a rocker trying toooooo hard to be rock. He really picks and arranges the songs awesomely and he should win the whole shebang. He's been the MOST consistant of everyone, and finally, he's shining.

My Bottom Three Prediction: 1-Chicezie, 2-Carly, and 3-Ramiele

Chicezie gots to go.

I hope America leaves Kristy alone this week, I know she can't win, but I'd like to see what she can do over the next coupla weeks.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Love that AIM

These aren't our real screennames (I know, you're shocked). MonkeyUumpa is my kids' grandpa.

MonkeyUumpa(3:37:59 PM): what r u doing?

LadyKong(3:41:33 PM): reading mom blogs; waiting for the boys to get off the bus; thinking about going to get SpiderMonkey up from his nap, but too lazy to get him unless I'm going down to unlock the door for the boys getting off the bus; typing to you; trying to remember where I put the thermometer so I can check TwinkeyB's temp again; waiting for one of the Twinkeys to cry because they can see me typing and they want to be typing too, so that I can scoop him up and put him in the tub first; and wishing that I'd folded laundry today so I would know where I can get a clean towel for said bath. You know, nothing much. u?

MonkeyUumpa(3:44:02 PM): nothing indeed..where did you leave the thermometer? I HOPE it wasn't a better go check!

LadyKong(3:44:18 PM): ROFLMAO

Monday, March 24, 2008

From MonkeyButt to Twinkey B, and EVERYone In Between (except the two stepmonkeys...wasn't there for those deliveries, SORRY!)

Lotus over at Sarcastic Mom is hosting a Birth Story Carnival. Now, we could all be here for days reading how many centimeters I was at what time and how strong the contractions were bringing these five monkeys into the world, but I figured I'd spare you and just go over some of the highlights. Now, I must precaution you before you read further...this post is rated 'R', for 'R'eally bad language! I am the daughter--and wife--of a trucker, after all (no, I didn't marry my dad...I live in hickville, but come on). ;o)

MonkeyButt 2001: Attendance: KingKong, my mom, my dad, my whore of an ex-SIL.
8lbs 8oz. Drug-free except Pitocin

I awoke in the middle of the night to the gush of my water breaking. We called the hospital and they said come in. We got there and, of course, NOTHING happened!! They asked accusingly, "Are you SURE it was your water breaking?" Ya, I haven't really been a bedwetter since I was like three, but thanks for asking.

LadyKong(in the throws of labor--after much pitocin--trying NOT to push): "Um, I think I just had an accident..." Water broke, you thought, right? Nope. It was good 'ole #2. Right there on the table for all to smell see. I never read about that in magazines. Must have skipped over that paragraph in "What to Expect..." All the moms I'd spoken to decided to spare me of this little tidbit apparently. Bitches. "Could someone please clean up the fecal matter?" the doctor asked. Fecal matter. How embarrassing. KingKong, swears he doesn't remember that happening. Fucking liar. Good Man.

The excitement continued as the real pushing began. KingKong held my left leg up while a little nurse held my right. We all get by with a little help, right? Like I could've held those waterlogged limbs up on my own! And, you know, I'm AWARE that they do this EVERYday, SEVERAL times a day, but I don't! So while I was pushing, KK and the nurse were pulling my legs, and the doctor was in position to catch MonkeyButt, the nurses passed the time between contractions sharing their vacation stories. That one little nurse actually LET GO of my gawd damn leg to hold up her hands and show the others how tall the drink glasses were or something as a contraction was starting. So I politely growled, "SOMEBODY GRAB MY FUCKING LEG!" I, of course, apologized profusely later to everyone in the room. My dad likes to finish the story saying he asked which leg it was and the doctor replied, "It was that one (pointing), I learned to keep an eye out for those long ago."

CuriousGeorge 2002: Attendance: KingKong, my mom, my dad, my ex-SIL
8lbs 8.2oz. Drug-free except Pitocin again

After being sent home several times the week prior with false labor, and having sausage links for toes, I finally timed tiny twinges late one evening. We arranged childcare for MonkeyButt and I alerted the usual audience and the hospital that I'd go in after 'finishing some laundry.' Five hours later, we arrived. Again, they contemplated sending me home. My frustration emotion must've kicked things into high gear, because they broke my water within the hour.

CuriousGeorge looked just like MonkeyButt when he came out, except I finally "got one with my dimples." Which I kept repeating in my deliriously happy state.

SpiderMonkey 2006: Attendance: KK, my mom & stepdad, my dad & stepmom, my new- and-improved-SIL(no, I'm not really into voyeurism, I just wanted to share this with the ones we love and who love our kids the most) 9lbs Drug-free except for that plug thingy NOTE: My sister took a week off work and her life to come home from Ohio for EVERY one of my deliveries, but missed all of them by only days :o(

SpiderMonkey was a scheduled induction. The put in the plug and I sent everyone out to dinner under the pretenses that I would not be pushing until VERY late in the evening or the next morning. Well, just a few quick hours later, I'd gone from "hard and closed" to "flimsy and 8." The nurses had me 'assume the position' and called the doctor to come back. She arrived to check on me while I tried not to push, waiting for her and my dad to get back. Not believing it was time, she said I'm just gonna go get dressed and I'll be back in a bit and I told her there's no time. She got to the door and I growled, "Somebody catch this." She had time to put her arms in a smock (still in my room) and gloves on in the next two quick contractions and caught my baby. My dad and stepmom made it back from dinner just in time to see SpiderMonkey arrive at 6:00pm.

The Twinkeys 2007: Attendance: KK, My Sister, my mom & stepdad, my dad & stepmom 6lb 6oz. and 6lb 8oz. I eagerly accepted an epidural, what, with the scalpel waiting to cut into my abdomen and all ;o) my SIL and BIL bravely took the other three for the night.

SIDESTORY: The birth of the Twinkeys wasn't near as eventful as how we found out they were in fact Twinkeys. I never had a period after SpiderMonkey was born in August (except one day of really light spotting in September), so once I made an appointment with our new OB (new insurance) in January, I believed we were 4 months along with a new baby. After two miscarriages between CuriousGeorge and SpiderMonkey, I'd begun waiting until after the 12wk point to make my prenatal appointments/announcements.

They scheduled an U/S appointment to confirm dates and I could not WAIT to go and find the absence of a penis. I'd already bought some sparkly infant jeans and top from Old Navy for "her." Yup, I jinxed it. KingKong had taken that morning off from work. MonkeyButt and CuriousGeorge were at school, so we just had SpiderMonkey to worry about. No problem, KingKong assured me. We took the umbrella stroller, some snacks (and some for the baby hehe), a bub, and we were on our way. In the room, the male technician (a first for us) had me lay down and look up to my right at the screen he was working on. He asked KingKong (who was now holding the squirming SpiderMonkey) if he wanted to bring a chair over and sit.

KingKong(in his 'been here, done this several times' voice, leaning on the counter to my left): Nah.

U/S Tech (getting his bearnings on my tummy): Is this your first U/S with this pregnancy?

Me (answering what I remember was a typical U/S question): MmmHmm. And IT better be a girl, dammit.

U/S Tech: Are you two looking at the screen? (KingKong was sort of dancing around entertaining SpiderMonkey)

Me: Yeeeee-es. (In a sarcastic sing-songy voice, thinking, what'ya think we're here for? Der.)

U/S Tech (pointing): Well, there's a heartbeat right there...And there's the other heartbeat.

Me(keeping my gaze to the upper right, not yet looking at KingKong to my lower left):

Then I hear, SSSCCCCRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCHHHHHHHH, as KingKong pulled a chair over to take a much needed seat. LOL!

So, instead of going to find out the sex of a 4-5 month pregnancy, we went and found we had two babies who were only about 3 months along. I was apparently irregular after SpiderMonkey, and having two babies in there explained why I was measuring correctly based on what I thought was my LMP. I had scheduled my next prenatal appointment for that afternoon while we were in the city and hadn't yet "come down" from the news of the morning. That poor girl taking my bloodpressure was counting so fast. They had to do it twice. The one at the end of the appointment was a keeper. Phew.

Anyway...The Twinkeys were scheduled for a c-section at 37wk2d at 1:00pm. But they decided they'd try to come out Old School the night before. Twinkey B was transverse, much to my relief, because my motto for the 5+ months we knew they were baking was, "I'll do it once (natural delivery), but don't make me do it four minutes later." As relieved to hear I was having a c-section, I was equally--if not MORE--scared of the epidural needle. I had scoliosis rods put in when I was a teen and swore that NO ONE would EVER touch my back again.

So, the night before our scheduled c-section, I felt the familiar faint twinges and I called our new high-risk OB at 10:00pm and said I think I might be having contractions, should we just wait 'til morning? And she said to come in, that even if it wasn't real labor, they wouldn't send me home (LOVE her!!), they'd just do the c-section as scheduled. Fine with me! It took an hour to get the sitter (our niece) here and another forty minutes to get to the hospital. After checking in and changing, it was midnight.

We all arrived and I was checked. 6 centimeters! Oops. Within minutes, the doctor was called, I had an IV in. The nurse brought KingKong some scrubs and told him he could use the bathroom to put them on. Okay, he said. Pause. She told him he might want to take his workboots off, that the booties might not fit over them. Okay, he said. Another pause. I looked at the nurse. Her eyes darted from KingKong to the bathroom door and back again, then to me.

ME to KingKong: King! Like, NOW!!!!! (We were all pretty much used to the sitting and waiting for babies. Ha! Not this time.)

Next came another humiliating part, followed by a scary part, then a funny part, then a happy part.
First, the room was cleared so that the poor nurse could, um, shave me. What the fuhk. I mean really. Nobody mentioned this before. It's not like it's experimental and I was the first ever to have that done. Couldn't someone have dropped me a note or something so I could've put that on the 'ole To Do list before I got to the hospital??!? Oh, ya, and I believe you all forgot that little sidenote about the catheter!!?! Yowsa!

Then it was time to go into the operating room where they'd TRY to place the epidural. I was leaving my husband and my family to go back to the operating room where they MIGHT be able to place the epidural. The anesthesiologist had informed us just a minute and a half earlier that if they did put it in, they'd come get my husband for the delivery, and if they couldn't get the epidural in my back based on the placement of the rods, they'd have to put me under and he couldn't be in the room. WTF??!? No pressure. Holy emotion. See you in a minute hon, or maybe, you know, never.

The epidural was placed and it.was.awesome! A pick and a burn. That's how they described it would feel. Man, did it burn! But the "warmth" they told you you'd feel immediately was bliss. My legs were toasty and numb by the time my hubby arrived in the OR. It was heaven. Besides the itchy nose from the narcotics, but that just made me giggle. Several times KingKong had to itch my nose. hehe

Twinkey A was delivered at 1:00am. Twinkey B took a couple minutes to wrangle outta there. He was wedged up under my ribs.

I have to say their delivery was the least satisfying...for lack of a better word (which is rather bizarre because this is all about words) of all four...I didn't get to hold them right away or talk to them; I didn't get to see how they were being cleaned/weighed, etc.; they left the room before my surgery was over (with KingKong--I threatened his life if he left their sides). It was definitely, by far, the most painful recovery I've experienced to date. I remember sitting there with my little pillow hugged to my abdomen--the one you use to stand up--when I realized that one of these days, possibly soon, I was going to have to sneeze and how fuhreaking painful was that gonna be??!?

I was glad to have the procedure completed, however, as the nightmare of delivering one baby naturally and then having to do an emergency c-section on the other and healing in two places did not sound like a fun memory!

So that's all the baby-making info thus far. Thanks for reading this, and for the great idea Lotus!


You know what's great about being the Easter Bunny a parent? The leftover candy that never made it into wouldn't fit in the eggs. Recently, MonkeyButt and CuriousGeorge found my hidden Milky Way stash on top of the fridge.
So when the EB had candy intentionally accidentally left over after hiding eggs, I found the perfect place to hide it so they couldn't eat it before I could wouldn't figure out we bought it for them: in a Walmart bag in the broom closet, sitting on an empty box next to the trash can. Genius, right? Who'd go looking for treats in there? Just me, no monkeys.
I just went to grab some gummy bears lunch and *gasp* the bag was gone. What the...? I frantically moved the box and knocked over the empty trash can.
I closed the door thinking, Empty trash can? What a good man that KingKong is, putting all the trash out on trash day. DAMN! It's trash day. KingKong put my snacks out with the trash. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! He is so on my shitlist.
Guess I'll go search for some cookies eat an apple. *sigh*

Saturday, March 22, 2008


Cost of Babysitter for SpiderMonkey & Twinkeys: $26
Gas to get there: $60
Lunch on the way: $16.74
Easter baskets: $2.00
Admission: $12.00

Creating a memory at "Great Easter Egg Hunt 2008": Priceless BULLSH!T!! This fuhking disaster cost me $116.74, a crying kid, and a migraine!

I wrote a letter to the organization (below) which should explain it to you, too!

RE: The event advertised as "'March 22nd , Saturday, Noon until 2 PM, Great Easter Egg Hunt 2008 : Thousands of Easter eggs will be hidden throughout the Fort grounds for children to search for. Many eggs will be eligible for prizes! This Friends of Fort Knox fundraiser is $3 per person (rain/snow date 3/29).'"

Mr. X,

I am regretfully emailing to inform you that the "Great Easter Egg Hunt 2008" held by the Friends of Fort Knox was anything BUT "Great." My children participated in the 1:00pm hunt and I would be very surprised to hear if the "Thousands of Easter eggs" that were advertised (on SEVERAL Community Calendars) to be hidden "throughout the Fort grounds" added up to a couple hundred that were thoughtlessly scattered in a very small field outside the Fort just minutes before the hunt began. The two women who "hid" (read: knealt in the snow and flung) the eggs carried four, possible five, grocery-style bags down to that field while the hundreds of children watched excitedly.

In my opinion, this event should be labeled an Easter Egg RACE, because that's exactly what these children had to do. As in races, there are winners and non-winners. The winners in this case were the few preteens who got to the bottom the fastest and walked away with grocery bags reasonably full of eggs. Once the smaller children, armed with their cute little Easter baskets (and clutching their parent with the other hand for safety), FINALLY reached the bottom of the steep, icy decline, there were no eggs left to be hunted. You were lucky that Tina Shute from the Village Soup was available to take pictures of the anticipation on the children's faces BEFORE the race, because her pictures, had she taken any AFTER it, would have showed completely different emotion. I witnessed several children, including one of my own, crying (he had ONE egg in his basket, his brother has four). Two little girls were holding their empty bags upsidedown and screaming through tears that "this is the worst day EVER!" while their parents, as my husband and myself did, stood there helplessly wishing we could lay candy-filled eggs ourselves.

I was one of the remaining parents who breathlessly meandered into the Visitor Center after consoling and/or carrying our children back up the steep cliff. I heard several parents complain to any "Friends of Fort Knox" they could find (I WAS rather impressed with how quickly several of you disappeared) and was equally disappointed to hear your "friendly" retorts that you can't control the greediness of the first few kids who made the steep trip down. Now, I only partially agree here. I agree you can't control the fact that they were/are greedy, but I do believe that there are several ways around future devastation. The first few are quite obvious.

*Buy more eggs/candy. There were two sessions of egghunters today. Aged 6 & under and 7 & above, I believe. If the first group had even half as many people brave the 30+mph winds today, the Friends of Fort Knox easily raised SEVERAL thousands of dollars (based on the $3.00 charge per person, Parents included!!). Would it really hurt to spend a couple hundred on eggs/candy and be sure everyone was smiling when they left??!?

*Start at the bottom of the hill. What really is the point of the steep climb anyway, besides filtering the weak/febile to the back of the pack? Or better yet...

*Have the hunt INSIDE the Fort's grounds, where EVERYone thought the only LOGICAL place to hold a "hunt" was. The area is much bigger there, you could line up the children on one side, after thoughtfully placing the eggs in the field, and have them collect eggs in a much more orderly fashion (ie. walking straight forward). After all, we did pay MORE than the $1.00 fee for ages 5-11 charged during the summer months to actually be inside the Fort.

*Hold the Hunts in two locations. Utilize the area around the Visitor Center for the younger group and hold the older age group's hunt inside the Fort, thus dimishing the frantic, thoughtless tossing of eggs within minutes of the second race. Both areas could be set up well in advance of the races.

*Set an egg limit and ACTUALLY have enough "Friends of Fort Knox" there to enforce it. How, you ask? There's a visible difference between 10-15 eggs in a grocery bag than a FULL bag. Why didn't any one of you speak to the greedy kids and throw/roll a few eggs back down to the criers frantically searching below? The limit could easily be set before each race, considering that you make a conscious effort to dole out plenty of eggs based on this years numbers ($$ collected, perhaps? A Friend of Fort Knox could be in the collection booth tallying #s of kids). Knowing how many eggs you have on the grounds, divided by the number of hunters in attendance (easily determined by a quick head count of the children in an orderly line, given ample space--like inside the Fort), should give you the number of eggs to announce before the race. It's too hard to separate parents from children in such a large group, you say? Well it wouldn't be if we all weren't scared of our children plummeting to their death (or dental demise) on the jagged rocks below. If you had the hunt in an open area, say like the one inside the Fort, the parents would greatfully stand on the sidelines.

*To reduce costs, you could have boxes available in/around the Visitor Center where the children could empty their eggs and donate them back for use the following year. I'm sure the kids wouldn't mind so they could come back the next year, nor would the parents mind, who wouldn't be stepping on the eggs in the middle of the night or cleaning them up from the car.

*Have some of the "Friends of Fort Knox" walk around with bags of eggs to scatter near children who have not met their egg quota (or atleast who haven't found ANY eggs).

*Cancel it altogether. This was relatively false advertising on several fronts ('thousands of eggs...throughout the grounds...hunt...great'). And, if you're not willing to put in the effort of making SURE all children in attendance found atleast ONE Easter Egg, what is the point? I was hoping the point was a happy Easter memory. If your organization is not willing to commit to the happy part, it should not be holding such events for children. I mean, it's not October. We did not bring our kids to "Fright at the Fort" half-expecting them to leave in tears, and I don't believe it was advertised as "Devastation at the Fort" or "Survival of the Fittest at the Fort." It's an Easter Egg Hunt, plain and simple, so shouldn't there have been enough eggs?

If you take a moment to look over the numbers of today's fundraiser, you should certainly see a HUGE income vs. expense profit. Clearly, this is a relatively large fundraiser for the "Friends of Fort Knox," and a fairly effortless one. Please take a moment to analyze the numbers and see the benefit of adding more eggs, thus adding more smiles. The best advertisement for events like these is word of mouth. I could not find anyone who had attended previous years, but I can assure you that if I had and I'd heard the experience such as the one I'm now describing to people, I guarantee we would NOT have been there today.

I have to admit, I'm caught in a "mama bear defending her baby bear" moment here, which is the sarcasm you're probably reading (coupled with the late hour its become trying to make sure tomorrow's Egg Hunt at home is just a bit grander, which I promised as I coaxed my sons up the cliff). Above all, though, I want you to be aware of the disappointment suffered by so many Maine families today. I'm sure this is not the first letter to cross your desk, nor will it be the last, I bet. I hope you'll take any opinions into consideration from the parents you hear from. It's pretty much our job to keep the smiles on our kids faces, so the pointers you receive should be useful ones. We're all pretty experienced in this area.

Thank you for your time,


So that was our Easter disaster. How was yours? Sincerely priceless, I hope!!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

They're Out There

You know, some people might look at this pic I took out my back window this morning and think, "Aaah, Spring has sprung." Pssht. I happen to think, "Damn, I wish I had a gun." Why? 'Cause I'm a redneck hunter beotch who enjoys spraying myself with deer p!ss and falling asleep in the woods with a gun hunting? NO. 'Cause they scare the sh!t outta me! Stop laughing. Ok, it is kinda funny. I mean, EVERYone else I know laughs at me. You might as well, too.

What is the first thing you do when you see a deer in your headlights? Brake, right? Want to know what I do? Hit the door lock button. Yup. I lock the doors while braking. I don't know why. Maybe I'm suppressing some sort of bad deer experience. Hey, it happened to this guy

KingKong says, "What're they gonna do, come in the car?" *gasp* Do I have to remind you what happened on the movie "Are We There Yet?" or that older movie with David Spade and that fat guy in it. Crap, I forget the name. Anyway, my point is this Deer + Car = Not Good. And Deer + House? There are children in here!

I just peeked out the curtains. They're still out there. Don't worry, I deadbolted the door.

Oh no, She dinnint!

Did you see the interview on Good Morning America about J.Lo's twins? We were watching the school cancellations scrolling across the bottom (the kids hoping outloud that they'd see theirs, me hoping under my breath that we wouldn't)...yes, in MARCH! Anyhow, the chick actually said "I can't tell which one is the boy and which is the girl, they're not identical are they?"


No, honey, they're not identical. Max has a pen!s and Emme has a va-jay-jay. Der.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

What the French, Toast?

I can't get this freaking video to post up in here, so I'll just give you the web addy. is my fav commercial ever.

PS...can someone tell me what I'm doing wrong?

Tuesday, March 18, 2008


I've been reading so many blogs today I forgot to post my own! Plus, KingKong got done working especially early today, and everytime I got near the laptop I got the "Again??!?" look. *sigh*

When the hell is Spring gonna get here? The calendar says this week, but the weather report says otherwise!! *deeper sigh* Hopefully I'll feel inspired and Spring-y tomorrow.

Monday, March 17, 2008

We're Being Watched!

We've known it for a while now. The kids began noticing a few months ago. I mean, think about it, we take up quite a bit of space! Two parents, two boys aged 5 & 7, a 18month toddler boy, and two blue carseats containing 7month old boys.

It started at Walmart. There was one particular day that we got more than the usual "ALL boys?" or "Are they all YOURS?" On this day, a man, after asking if they're all mine, asked, "Do you want to borrow my Taser Gun?" Me: giggled politely, not really sure where the conversation was going. He said, "No, really. Then next time he comes after ya, you can just give him a little juice." LOL. He meant my husband, and his rather insatiable need to produce (or atleast PRACTICE producing) offspring. Hehehe.

Well, that day, we were stopped by the usual older couples, blessing us and our beautiful family. MonkeyButt (7) wiggled his finger to whisper in my ear, "Wow, Mom, you were right. People really do notice us." Ya think?? We had had several conversations lately about our behavior and how people go to the same places we do, not necessarily to witness a bunch or kids screaming and running around, but to get their groceries or eat out in peace.

We met a couple of our friends, who have a daughter SpiderMonkey's age, for lunch at Olive Garden a few weeks ago. We had a large table surrounded by a few two and four seaters. There was a small group of women finishing up nearby when our food arrived. Of course there's the scramble of cutting up kid's plates while shuffling your own stuff around, but our hungry monkeys waited patiently. I guess threatening their lives out in the car just before entering paid off (JOKE!). KingKong fielded the "beautiful family" comments down at his end of the table, which we appreciate always and can't get enough of! Then one of the ladies said she could tell we're a great family by the way KingKong got up and walked MonkeyButt's plate around the table, rather than reach across to set it down. (WTH?) So, if you're a big family reading this post, beware, you're every move is being judged!

I've known this since the twins were born. I'll NEVER in my life leave this house unshowered or in sweatpants. I call my car 'my makeup kit on wheels.' I like it when people think I've "got it together," even if I don't happen to feel like it some days. We especially feel the eyes and hear the ringing in our ears when we bring our triple-wide stroller into the mall. I think it's funny to catch people trying not to stare, but doing the head-nod when they're doing a head count of all the monkeys. But or trips to the mall take longer now, because we are stopped so many times for people to oooh and aaah. It's okay really, because we're prepared. Nobody's in dirty, holey play clothes. The faces are washed (USUALLY!) and manners are (HOPEFULLY!) present.

Yesterday, we had a couple errands to run in town and decided to divulge MonkeyButt's request to try the Breakfast Buffet in town (yes, THE breakfast buffet in town at the ONLY sitdown restaurant in town. Small town livin' ova here). It was a rather pricey request, but it had been some time since we'd all been out to breakfast on a weekend.

Upon entering, as usually happens in such a small town, we were greeted by some friends on their way out the door. The recent birth or their daughter (JEALOUS!) had them at 1-1. I'm 0-5 dammit. Anyhow, I gushed over her smallness and cuteness, and PINKness for the standard 12 minutes, while filling up the entryway. I mean, the princess had tights on and they weren't even TIGHT!! That's how small she is. *gush* So precious.

We sat in the middle of the room, at the largest table, of course. The seating configuration went SpiderMonkey in highchair, then KingKong, then myself across the table from MonkeyButt and CuriousGeorge. The Twinkeys stayed in their carseats on the floor next to me at the end of the table. We fielded a few questions from the old timers behind us. "Were they born together, etc."

I realized yesterday, it must've been a mom who invented the concept of buffets. I mean, I was in and shoveling food onto plates and everyone was eating in minutes. It was great. Even the Twinkeys were wonderfully quiet.

But I still had an uneasy feeling like everything could fall apart any minute. And the culprit? The toddler girl seated near SpiderMonkey. She wasn't really into her food, I don't think, or her highchair and let everyone know it. I kept peeking around KingKong to make sure it wasn't SpiderMonkey being the grumpy bug. Thankfully, he sat quietly eating his pancakes and orange slices. Phew.

GrumpyBug was with her mother and a couple who I believe was GrumpyBug's grandparents. We had not seen them before (there used to be a time when everyone knew everybody else. Things are changing around here). They had been seated when we arrived, so when they finished, the grandmother took GrumpyBug out to the car, followed by her mom. When GrumpyBug's grandpa stood up, he asked, "What do you do in your spare time?" I giggled politely, thinking he was eluding to the babymaking process like others, then he continued, "Soap Operas, Bon-bons..." I replied, "Riiiiight," smiling. He donned his coat and went up to the cashier.

We were fielding questions from another older couple who had just come in and SpiderMonkey was entertaining them when the waitresses came over to let us know that the gentleman in the red hat (GrumpyBug's grandpa) had paid for our whole breakfast because "your boys were so well-behaved."


Thank you.

I think we're "in"

KingKong came home from work midday Saturday to attend CuriousGeorge's friend's (BarbieGirl) bday party with us. Why would a husband/father MISS work just for a Kindergartener's birthday party, you ask? Because I. SAID. SO.

I've been to their neighbor's son's (SuperBoy) bday party in December. I brought CuriousGeorge and stayed to be sure he was playing nicely with his new friends. And I fell in LIKE with BarbieGirl's parents and SuperBoy's parents.

SuperBoy and family have lived in town for 5 or 6 years, unbeknownst to us. BarbieGirl and family just moved up in August. Both families are fun and the conversation flowed nicely at SuperBoy's party back in December, and I was bummed that KingKong was not there with me, because even on my most witty and charming day, I do not hold a flame to KingKong.

So, upon receiving BarbieGirl's invitation (and hearing she only gave one to CuriousGeorge and SuperBoy), I set up a sitter for the Twinkeys, threatened KingKong with bodily harm if he would not attend, and RSVP'd, trying to contain my excitement over being able to interact with people who don't drool.

The party went very well. The kids all played wonderfully together. The husbands talked about the wives and the wives reciprocated. It was fun.

So, ya, I think we're "in." We've been invited to Game Night (husbands vs. wives) and Mommy Tea Time. Woo Hoo! I just hope "tea" is, like, codeword for "shots."

NOTE TO SELF: Bring actual tea bags, just in case.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Early Easter PEEP Show


I Survived

Sometime while I was rushing around this morning, skipping baby baths and slathering them with yummy lotion instead, I became brave enough to do something this mama monkey has never done before.

I think it was between the lather and rinse steps of my 3-minute shower that I thought, welllllll, we WILL all be up AND dressed AND out, and CuriousGeorge DOES need a birthday present for BarbieGirl's party tomorrow, why NOT go to Walmart after dropping the two monkeys off at school? Why not, indeed. Don't worry, I quickly talked myself out of it. Until I realized we were down to 5 diapers. Hmmm, could I stretch it 'til KingKong gets home? *sigh* Better not risk it. Shit.

Don't get me wrong. I looooooooove shopping. And for me, a mom of five monkeyBOYs, to be given the opportunity to shop for PINK items absolutely MADE my day! But the prospect of going it alone at Walmart for the first time--with so many monkeys under the age of 2--had me hyperventilating into the Burger King bag from last nights flyby dinner that was left on the front seat. After dropping off the two monkeys at school, I called my husband for a quick consultation...

ME: "You're not going to believe what I might be stupid enough to do today...go to Walmart."

KINGKONG: "ALONE???!?" My thoughts exactly.

We discussed the seating arrangements of the cart I'd be pushing and the one I'd be pulling behind me. We decided it would be best to put the Twinkeys in their carseats in the caboose and strap SpiderMonkey in the front to the engine cart, lest he be twisting around to talk to me (from the caboose) and would be swinging from aisle signs in no time.

I had the store all mapped out. Directly to diapers, wipes, formula, and baby food, swing past the shoes to get laces for KingKong and MonkeyButt, browse for Barbie bathing suit for birthday girl (I put together a beach bag for her), grab a couple candles (Hazelnut Coffee YUM!) before breezing up the toy aisle, heading straight for water toys/bubbles/beach bucket, grab KingKong's deodorant, a birthday card and we'd be back at the front of the store again ready to checkout. Phew! I knew I could do it...unless...

Sometimes the Twinkeys do this thing where they need to keep moving or else...The best way for me to describe it is the movie SPEED. You know, where Sandra Bullock has to drive the bus above a certain speed or else it will explode. Well, bleach my teeth and call me Sandra! The Twinkeys used to do it in the car. They'd fall asleep on our bumpy country roads, but once I got into the city, stopping for the lights, I felt I had to maintain a speed of atleast 25mph or else a bomb or two would go off in the back seat. It really is laughable, but I wondered how fast I'd have to go in the store to not set off the detonator.

Turns out, not too fast. They did great! And once I got through all the roadblocks of people with the timeless classic, "Boy, you've got YOUR hands FULL (ya think?!?)," we were on our way home in one, well, four complete pieces.

NOTE TO SELF: It's cheaper to stay home in your pajamas all day!

Damn Daylight Savings

Man, this time change is KICKing our monkey butts! Every morning this week, I've had to wake up CuriousGeorge and MonkeyButt, my (usually) early risers. Every morning, that is, except THIS morning.

Pre-time change, KingKong would awaken early for work, right around the time a Twinkey or two would wake for a pre-morning bottle before snoozing back 'til daylight. I'd then set the vibrate alarm on my cell phone with just enough time to get them off to school, tuck it under my pillow (as not to wake SpiderMonkey, nestled in his nearby crib, too early), and get a couple more hours sleep.

The Twinkeys must have hit their internal snooze buttons (trust me, I'm NOT complaining about our 8-month olds starting to sleep through the night, I just wish the buggers would've TOLD me to set the actual alarm clock!), because THIS morning I awoke to...the busdriver revving her engine at the top of the driveway, followed by MonkeyButt and CuriousGeorge tumbling down the stairs in their underwear in tears over missing the bus for the first time. Part of me wonders if some of those tears were because they thought I was going to race them to the front door yelling, "Run, Run, get on the bus, quick!" Who hasn't had a showing-up-at-school-in-only-underwear-dream, right? Panic!

I assured MonkeyButt and CuriousGeorge I'd bring them to school, grabbed them some yogurt with granola and toast for breakfast and set off to cram my normally leisurely 2 hour preptime--to get ALL the monkeys and myself washed and out the door--into the 42 minutes I had until school started. Ugh.

But not without a call to KingKong telling him what happened:

ME: Guess what woke me up this morning?...the bus!

KINGKONG (laughing): Doh! So I guess everyone's staying home today, huh? *Gasp* He underestimates my need for spending the day with the children who nap a few times, I mean, my need for getting my children the best education possible. Yeah, THAT's it. ;)

NOTE TO SELF: Ask KingKong to set alarm when he leaves!

A quick Q&A with LadyKong

Two names you go by:
1. LadyKong
2. "MO-OM--he--hit--me!" Oops, I mean, just "Mom."

Two things you are wearing right now:
1. KingKong's boxer briefs (CLEAN ones!)
2. T-shirt. There's an image for ya lol

Two longest car trips:
1. The 800 mile trip to Ohio for MonkeyAunt's wedding with two toddlers and a month-old baby. All. By. MYSELF.
2. The same ride home less than a week later...yes, I'm crazy. Didn't you know that already?

Two of your favorite things to do:
1. Laugh when the monkeys say/do funny things. They're quite witty and come up with some funny jokes. I'm surprised how often we laugh out loud cause of something they said, like CuriousGeorge saying something his dad did yesterday made him a redneck (omg!) and tonight when I hit those 1700 potholes and launched the car like I was running over logs in a freaking Tuff Truck competition, I was like "Holy Crap" (I REALLY did say crap, I know, I'm surprised too!) and MonkeyButt's voice came from the third row outta the dark, "Well, you weren't the only one thinking that!" Hahahahahahahaha.
2. Have drinks with friends and laughing

Two things you can't wait for:
1. Spring, so I can start using the triple stroller. I gotta try to lose some of this booty, it's following me everywhere!
2. The Twinkeys to start talking (ya, I know, and then I'll want them to be quiet). I cannot WAIT to have two mini-SpiderMonkeys running our little gated community...aka...the living room.

Three things you ate today:
1. SpiderMonkey fed me his Nilla Wafers, only AFTER he bit each one, of course.
2. And then his popcorn, or did he steal mine? Oh well, it's all community property, I guess.
3. Chicken dinner at my ma's

Things you are doing tomorrow:
1. changing diapers, feeding monkeys
2. changing diapers, feeding monkeys
3. changing diapers, feeding monkeys...beginning to see a pattern here? Oooooh, I might change it up a bit and add in a phone call to the dentist and pediatrician. Can't wait for that!!

Two favorite holidays:
1. Halloween
2. The First day of School Mwwaaahahahahahaha (Evil laughter...)

Two favorite beverages:
1. ANYthing alcoholic. Ooh, another pattern. No, my favorite is...ALL the yummy ones. Sorry, I tried to hide it. I'm a lush. Get over it. just kidding...kinda
2. Hot Chocolate. It's a classic, man.