Monday, May 5, 2008

I'm Not A Pray-er

Or should I have typed Person Who Prays. It's just not something I do on an every day, every week, or even every month basis. Maybe I should be, I don't know. There's probably a lot of things I should do. Like go to church. Oooh, or clean my house more and swear less. But, I don't.

I cannot claim to be any one particular religion, although people ask us all the time if we're Catholic or Mormon. I honestly don't know what either of those entail, besides my sister had to "become" Catholic and her wedding was loooooong and full 'o Latin. My wedding was on my porch. I think my parents were married in a Methodist church. My sister was baptised, but my brother and myself weren't. I went to Vacation Bible School when I was a kid, but now, I don't remember if I wanted to, or if my mom just needed a sitter. Heh.

I have prayed when the kids were in the hospital. I just think that if I am bothering someone up above, I should make sure it's super important and that I really need help that I cannot provide for myself or others. And, really, I don't know if you'd call what I do praying. There must be some kind of format to that, like starting with "Dear God..." or holding your hands together with closed eyes. I think what I did was just some silent begging for the health of my children, and probably some empty bartering also.

I swear, I started this post as a one word sentence. It was this: "Today, if I prayed, I would probably pray for my period to start." (Believe me, I now know how totally wrong that sounds!!)

And I'm only two days beyond. The feelings I was having--besides the extreme panic--was utter selfishness. Not because I would mind being pregnant, but because other people would mind if I was.

My kids would be happy (MonkeyGirl would be over the moon if I could dress one of her siblings in pink). And KingKong talks about an addition fairly frequently. It's the rest of my family who judges. My mom and my sister in particular.

My sister is experiencing problems conceiving with her husband and has been for many months, including a miscarriage at 9 weeks. They've been trying with the help of a fertility specialist. How can I expect her to be happy for me celebrating my 6th (our 8th together) child when she can't even conceive one??!?

The Twinkeys will be 10 months old May 20. I've been on the pill for 8 1/2 months. But between KingKong's Sperm'o'steel and my Jumbo size eggs, it might be inevitable.

Through writing this out, I was able to take a moment to figure out how I really feel. MonkeyButt and CuriousGeorge were 19 months apart and it.was.perfect. The Twinkeys would be as old as SpiderMonkey is right now, 19 months. I've always known I was not done having children. KingKong says I'm happiest while pregnant. And my deliveries were not hard. I had just reasoned to myself that I'd like to get the Twinkeys into Head Start (age 3)before adding another, just to have an easier time of it...and really, I think, to give myself the opportunity to become satisfied with all I have been fortunate to receive.

I've always heard that you "know" when you are done. You have that feeling. And I can not count how many times I've heard people regret getting "fixed." I've never felt my family is complete. I think we make a beautiful one. But, I have this feeling sometimes that someone is missing.

I don't understand it either. I assumed it was my desire to mother a child who doesn't pee standing up. But I'm completely happy with the revelation that my next (and with high probability, my final) child would be a boy.

I'm not naive. I even know that having had so many pregnancies, we're playing with some serious odds here. We already pushed the multiple pregnancy numbers.

So, in the 56 minutes it's taken me to think these thoughts as I've typed them, I've gone from "Please come period!" to "Eh, it's okay if you want another vacation."

Holy crap. I'm crazy.


Anna said...

Hey! Congrats!? Keep us might be giving Chris over at notesfromthetrenches a run for her money! My son would be in heaven at your's looking like he will be my only...and he sure would like a sibling!

Mandy said...

I know you may feel like your sister would be unhappy, but if it is what is to be, then what can anyone do but accept it with love? It's always hard to announce conceiving a child to someone who has struggled with that very thing. As painful as it is, it is such a joyous blessing for anyone. I think it is awesome that it "could be"! I will look to you for advice if/when we get blessed again. You're my hero. :) BTW...I love the term "Sperm-o-steel". You are a riot.

utahsweeney said...

Oh LadyKong, I think it's a feeling that few women recognize these days. I too am very happy with life growing inside of me - and don't yet have the "I'm done" feeling.
Kinda like the Arby's chocolate yummies in your next post... you can't get enough, but you sure have to pay for them in more ways than one!
Congrats in advance if it's the case. And I had the same situation with my sister... approach it gently and allow her time for it to settle in.
Good post.

Mommy Matters said...

Oh, I can't wait to hear if you're having another monkey or not! I so understand not being done. Babies are like Lays to me....can't have just one!

BTW my George is named after Curious George. He was my childhood hero and best friend.

Heather @ Desperately Seeking Sanity said...

I love getting into the minds of others and that's exactly what you did here... :)

As for praying? It's not a ritual. You don't have to kneel, or fold your hands, or close your eyes. You don't have to start with Dear God.

You just talk to Him. And if it's important to YOU, it's important to Him. :D

justmylife said...

I know what you mean when you say some women regret getting fixed. I have my times when I would give my right arm for another baby. Then the kids do something stupid and I scream, "Hell, Yeah! Never Again!!!" I have several friends who were fixed at the same time as I was, they now have beautiful new babies. I figure if it is meant to be, it will be. Hope you get the results you want.

iheartchocolate said...

HOW did I miss this post? Now it all comes together..ahhhh I seeee.

I know how you feel...I had mine taken care of and I regret it all the time. I really do. I was a miserable pregnant witch, but I love ma babies. I wish I had a few more..

Your poor sister. Scary stuff. I never had that problem, so I really can't relate, but it is very sad. I hope she is able to have some.

About the religious know how when you feel like you need him, you reach out? To me, that says you do believe in something. That's a good thing, in my opinion. I think it is worth exploring. When I was feeling around for meaning and something bigger, I found much more. I know that wasn't the point of your post, but I heard what you were saying. I have been there too.