Or should I have typed Person Who Prays. It's just not something I do on an every day, every week, or even every month basis. Maybe I should be, I don't know. There's probably a lot of things I should do. Like go to church. Oooh, or clean my house more and swear less. But, I don't.
I cannot claim to be any one particular religion, although people ask us all the time if we're Catholic or Mormon. I honestly don't know what either of those entail, besides my sister had to "become" Catholic and her wedding was loooooong and full 'o Latin. My wedding was on my porch. I think my parents were married in a Methodist church. My sister was baptised, but my brother and myself weren't. I went to Vacation Bible School when I was a kid, but now, I don't remember if I wanted to, or if my mom just needed a sitter. Heh.
I have prayed when the kids were in the hospital. I just think that if I am bothering someone up above, I should make sure it's super important and that I really need help that I cannot provide for myself or others. And, really, I don't know if you'd call what I do praying. There must be some kind of format to that, like starting with "Dear God..." or holding your hands together with closed eyes. I think what I did was just some silent begging for the health of my children, and probably some empty bartering also.
I swear, I started this post as a one word sentence. It was this: "Today, if I prayed, I would probably pray for my period to start." (Believe me, I now know how totally wrong that sounds!!)
And I'm only two days beyond. The feelings I was having--besides the extreme panic--was utter selfishness. Not because I would mind being pregnant, but because other people would mind if I was.
My kids would be happy (MonkeyGirl would be over the moon if I could dress one of her siblings in pink). And KingKong talks about an addition fairly frequently. It's the rest of my family who judges. My mom and my sister in particular.
My sister is experiencing problems conceiving with her husband and has been for many months, including a miscarriage at 9 weeks. They've been trying with the help of a fertility specialist. How can I expect her to be happy for me celebrating my 6th (our 8th together) child when she can't even conceive one??!?
The Twinkeys will be 10 months old May 20. I've been on the pill for 8 1/2 months. But between KingKong's Sperm'o'steel and my Jumbo size eggs, it might be inevitable.
Through writing this out, I was able to take a moment to figure out how I really feel. MonkeyButt and CuriousGeorge were 19 months apart and it.was.perfect. The Twinkeys would be as old as SpiderMonkey is right now, 19 months. I've always known I was not done having children. KingKong says I'm happiest while pregnant. And my deliveries were not hard. I had just reasoned to myself that I'd like to get the Twinkeys into Head Start (age 3)before adding another, just to have an easier time of it...and really, I think, to give myself the opportunity to become satisfied with all I have been fortunate to receive.
I've always heard that you "know" when you are done. You have that feeling. And I can not count how many times I've heard people regret getting "fixed." I've never felt my family is complete. I think we make a beautiful one. But, I have this feeling sometimes that someone is missing.
I don't understand it either. I assumed it was my desire to mother a child who doesn't pee standing up. But I'm completely happy with the revelation that my next (and with high probability, my final) child would be a boy.
I'm not naive. I even know that having had so many pregnancies, we're playing with some serious odds here. We already pushed the multiple pregnancy numbers.
So, in the 56 minutes it's taken me to think these thoughts as I've typed them, I've gone from "Please come period!" to "Eh, it's okay if you want another vacation."
Holy crap. I'm crazy.